A small disclaimer so I don't completely ruin my reputation (what? I've got a reputation? When did that happen?!) I wrote this when I was like... 14. Before I knew how to truly write. So, here we are. If you get confused, I don't blame you in the least.
Commence the bad writing!
Indrya walked down the marble halls until she reached her husband. "Why are you here?" she asked
"Its Chandelle. She won`t come out"
"Zedekiah, you`re supposed to get her out, not ask her if she wants to come out"
"But-"
"Chandelle, come out of there! We have to address the kingdom!"
"Of what news?" a voice whispered from behind the door.
"Of the war that is flooding into Donrolet" Zedekiah said
"Why can`t you go without me?" the voice asked
Zedekiah leaned clsoer to Indrya "Go get the girls" he whispered
"They won`t help you guys!" the voice said
"What?"
"NOTHING IS GOING TO GET ME TO GO!"
"I`ve got the girls Zedekiah"
"SEND `EM IN!" he called joyfully.
A pale girl that stood almost as tall as Indrya asked "Uhh, Uncle Zede, how are we to get in?"
"Well Jenolya, I suppose you, Nadyla and Don would just walk in there and convince her to come out" Nadyla giggled sweetly as he said this. Jenolya had trouble holding in her smirk. Even their Aunt Indrya was chuckling a little. "What?" he called
"Honey, have you forgotten our daughters abilities?"
"Not that I know of. Why do you ask?"
"If you look down you might find out something new"
Zedekiah looked down and gave a small yelp. "What? She can make us float now?"
"I like to call it Levitation father"
"Ah, well might you be able to let us down? I`m afraid I don`t like heights as much as others"
"Not until I may stay father!"
"Chandelle, will you please come out?" Nadyla called, her voice layered in kindness. There was a scrambling noise behind the door.
"Now look what you`ve done!" Jenolya cried
"I didn`t do anything! I just asked her a friendly question!"
"Eh, SHOVE IT WILL YA?"
"JENOLYA! NADYLA! STOP FIGHTING!" Don called from somewhere behind the two.
"CHANDELLE! LET US DOWN WILL YA?" Jenolya called
"As you wish" a small voice murmured "Will ya look at that?! She listEENNNNNNS-!" all 5 of them felt the wind rushing past their ears. The marble floor seemed to look like it was rushing up to them. Nadyla screamed just before everything stopped.
"Chandelle! Thats an evil trick to play! Nadyla is crying" Indrya called, putting a comforting arm around Nadyla`s shoulders.
"Bu-"
"Come out this instant!" The big black door slowly creaked open.
"Where is she?" Don asked
"Is she in shadow again?"
"I assume so"
"Can`t we make her come out?"
"A shadow is better than nothing"
"Fine, lets go"
"Come along Chandelle!"
Jenolya, Nadyla and Don stayed rooted to the spot until they heard the hiccup of someone crying. "Chandelle?" Nadyla called. The noise stopped somewhere to their left. Don and Jenolya glanced at one another and nodded. Don nudged Nadyla then made a gesture with her head.
Nadyla nodded then called out "Chandelle, are you crying?" Jenolya and Don slowly creeped towards a shadow.
"Please say something!"
Just as they were about to grab her, she yelled "SHUTAE NO HANDE SEIN!" There was a blast and they were thrown against a wall.
I even forgot periods! Oh the shame. At least I can say I've improved?
Critique away friends! Let's see how many horrible things you can catch. (Bet it'll be in the double digits!)
Improve indeed... I can definitely tell you're writing for more than yourself now ;)
ReplyDeleteLOVE THE ALL CAPS, Devin. If I were to do a critique, I might just refer your younger writerly self to http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/crafttechnique/tp/dialogue.htm OR IN THE SPIRIT OF HP, here: http://www.authorinresidence.ecsd.net/Dialogue%20Punctuation.htm
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part was the names. Also the fact that "Chandelle" spoke like someone from olden days, but for some reason the rest of her family didn't. But, in all seriousness, I like that we get a clear idea of Chandelle's character right off the bat. It's fabulous that she comes through so strong. :D
ReplyDeleteYeah, the punctuation alone could use a bit of work. And formatting and paragraphs . . . I like most of the names but how do you say Zedekiah?
ReplyDeleteHee hee, I like Chandelle too! She stands out from the rest of the characters, which definitely seems appropriate. :) I also want to know how/why she can be a shadow. My interest is officially peaked.
ReplyDeleteAll in all, my biggest critique for your 14-year-old self would probably be the lack of description outside of the dialogue. It's a little difficult to tell what's going on. For example, we're told that Jenolya is almost as tall as Indrya, but I don't know what that really means!
I enjoyed the names, too. Hope you kept them. :)
ReplyDelete